In the theoretical tradition which I have immersed myself, there is the concept of a self-criticism; essentially, it is a means for comrades to lay bare their mistakes, air their inappropriate conduct, behavior, and practice, and solicit responses from comrades. It is a chance to admit up to our frail, human status and try to better ourselves. Opportunism
So, it is long, time that I conduct my own self-criticism for an action of mine from a couple years ago. Please keep in mind, though, that the names of the persons involved have been omitted for their privacy.
Anyways, to get on with said criticism.
A couple years back, I was severely depressed. During one such depressive episode, I drank heavily and casually remarked that I was going to commit suicide. A comrade tried to talk me out of it; instead of responding in a neutral, mature, and healthy manner, I derided them and called them horrid transphobic slurs. This was not merely a mistake on my part but a fundamental mis-practice.
I wish to apologize for this behavior: I am sorry.
Though I do not consider myself a Transphobic individual, when I drink, I often become depressed; during this night, that depression reached a great height with my threat of self-harm. When the comrade in question attempted to dissuade me from self-hurt, my transphobic response was that of a melodramatic, Hollywood-esque shenanigan to garner attention—I called them slurs in an effort to drive them away, the understanding being that I would die alone unless they continued to shower me with the rugged ‘I will not leave you’ affection. I wanted to be pitied and cared about as I spiraled into despair.
There is no excuse for this highly bourgeois, individualist behavior. It reflects a personality which must not only strive to combat their reactionary impulses but live in a manner which pushes back against their divergent neurological facticity. Comrades should never play mind games with one another, abuse their personage. Moreover, comrades should especially not engage in such immature and petty stunts, like garnering attention from sappy affectation mining.
Alcohol is not an excuse for my actions. When I slurred at the comrade in question I knew that it was wrong of me, but I did it regardless because I desired to be the center of attention and because I was upset with myself; I decided to take out my existential frustration on another person instead of level-headedly discussing my worldly grievances in an open and honest manner.
I wish to also apologize for taking so long to write this self-criticism.
Obviously, when the incident happened, I was not in a healthy state-of-mind, so I was distracted by not only my own place but also because of certain issues which came up as a result of that night (which does not concern my own action as much as it does of the action of my comrade in question). During the time I was also a university student, so I had a degree of class work to keep my mind from addressing my rotten behavior; though, it should be said, that this was largely just an excuse to prevent me from internalizing the consequences of that night. Additionally, what impeded me writing this self-criticism, aside from my own hesitancy, was the desire to not have any family or close relations see the dysfunction; a part of me wished to disown that night and forget that it ever existed. But this is not possible—what happened, happened, and I cannot ignore my own ill-conducted practice for the sake of self-aggrandizement.
What I did was wrong philosophically, theoretically, morally, ethically… however, you wish to think of it. My conduct went against my own community and radical tradition. It was inexcusable—period. So, I again apologize for this repulsive conduct. I promise to strive to better myself, not abuse persons when I drink and operate as a level-headed representation of the revolutionary tradition. It will be a long road, but I feel confident in my ability to better myself; and so, with all that said, I wish to beg forgiveness and to simply state that I will do better.